February 19, 2011

Sitting on the shitter - Precious little moments

Working day in Finland is 7 and half hours. That makes 450 long, painful minutes and sometimes when it's REALLY boring, I count the time in seconds. At it's worst, working day is 27000 painful moments, each one more boring than the previous one. After many working years I have developed methods for making these moments shorter. Here are few of them:

Going to the toilet - You can have about dozen of these in a workday without anyone getting suspicious. Each one can last for 5 to 15 minutes and sometimes you can take an hour or even two out your day (on Fridays it's usually longer). It's even better, if you know that someone is waiting for their turn. If there aren't any magazines to read, use your cell phone / smartphone for spending time: install games, read feeds, listen to podcasts... If you don't have a phone, read what ingredients are in handsoap or make snowflakes out of toilet paper.

HARDCORE mode: take your laptop with you.

Lunch break - This should be a nonbrainer: Make your lunch hours long, but don't do this too often. You don't want your boss to get suspicious. In Finland lunch hour is usually 30 minutes, so just go for 40-45 minute lunch breaks everyday and once or twice a week you can extend it to a full hour. If your co-workers go out to eat, join them. These trips usually last at least an hour, sometimes lot more (especially on Friday).

Hospital visits - This probably works only if you live in Scandinavia/some other European countries with free health care or have somekind of health plan from the company. You can do hospital visits 1-3 times a month. Same rule applies here: don't do it too often or people get suspicious. Some good diseases are: Crohn's disease (nobody wants to hear the details), back pain (just say that you got it at sitting on your desk, they don't want to be blamed) or some exotic diarrhea bacteria (here you get a bonus: no one will come close to you). Don't EVER say that you're going there because of depression or sleeping problems - this WILL make them suspicious and will probably effect you at next cutoffs.

HARDCORE mode: Shave your head and tell 'em that you have terminal cancer. That should keep them off your back for a while. Try to look sick but positive: don't make them think you're going to drug rehab.

BONUS: Don't forget these: taking your baby to doctor, taking your dog/cat/pig/monkey to a vet

Sick days - You can have 1-3 of these in a month without anyone getting suspicious. Just say that you've been vomiting all night or that you have terrible diarrhea. Call your boss right after 7am (we go to work at 8am here) and he'll think that you actually tried to get to work. After this you naturally go back to sleep. After a night of heavy drinking and partying your voice is usually hoarse, so it gives you even more credibility. Therefore, drink during the week and stay at home when hungover.

What are your slacking tips at work? What do you think of my English so far? Is it readable? Does the sun orbit earth or vice verca? Just click the comment button below!

The blogger has spend a looot of time on this bad boy.

40 comments:

  1. As a computer programmer, I usually work best in short bursts, so I usually take bathroom breaks once every hour. :P

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  2. Haha, cheeky monkey. Nice tips :P

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  3. I really hate counting hours left till the end of the workday.
    Time from 10.00 to 13.00 runs very quick for me, but after 13.00 every minute is long as hell.

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  4. awesome tips, greatest blog post I have come across. I hate long days at work

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  5. lmao i remember working this really hard job so I'd just purposely take like 30 minutes when I shit. Feels good making money while shitting.

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  6. Gotta admit, I don't get paid all that much, but I don't hate my job. Tradeoffs tradeoffs

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  7. Work is always that: work. Good post.

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  8. "Shave your head and tell 'em that you have terminal cancer"
    Hey, Steve Jobs did that a couple of days ago.

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  9. :P

    These are just awesome tips! I used two of those when i worked at Acer has a technician! I used to play space impact on my cellphone when i went to the toilet! And when the battery was low, i read the ingredients in the shampoo! :P Just like you said!

    And, i only had 1 hour to eat, but i always went with all the technician team, and we took always at least 1h 30m.

    But when i get back to work, i took it very seriously and do everything i had for the day.

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  10. Your English is fine! Very readable. The tips were great, I have become very proficient at going to the bathroom unnoticed for long periods of time.

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  11. I do the lunch break method often. In my last job, I always got my boss speaking about his social life, and it would eat up alot of my time. lol. Always worked (he ranted about his wife mainly) was a good spot to start (Hows the wife?)

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  12. i have spent time in finland and i got the impression all you guys took your work very seriously... come check my blog when i get to my 'finland' folder ;)

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  13. Hahaha , this will be useful !
    But at the supermarket I worked for they always yelled in the speakers, when I was at the bathroom ;(

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  14. I'm not sure how things work in Finland my friend but "You can have about dozen of these in a workday without anyone getting suspicious. " If I went to the washroom 12 times a day pretty sure my co-workers would think I had some terrible bowel problems!!

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  15. I once spent like 3 hours on the toilet at work. I wasn't motivated to do anything and I fell asleep. True story :P

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  16. just work you lazy fucking bum! Or do something that doesn't require u to work as much!

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  17. Lol this is crazy! thanks for sharing though :P

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  18. hahaha genius!

    this made my day

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  19. I take my laptop in the toilet. boom.

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  20. Yea, going to the bathroom and staying there for long periods of time was how I got through high school.
    And now with the help of my smart phone, it's getting me through my job.
    God bless you toilet, you save lives.

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  21. Pooping is such an inconvenience.

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  22. Your English is amazing! Almost better then mine :D, certainly better then my Finnish.

    These are some good tips but at my work they get suspicious if you call in sick 2-3 times a YEAR. It's messed up. Other then this these are some good tips I'm sure they'll come in handy :)

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  23. I lol'd. The bathroom breaks applied the same way at the call center I used to work at, and you could easily cut an hour out of your day. Plus, they weren't allowed to say anything about it. Totally boss.

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  24. "HARDCORE mode: Shave your head and tell 'em that you have terminal cancer". This had me laughing my ass off, thank you so much!

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  25. i would recommend doing the best possible job you could do. maximize earning potential

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  26. The best tips. Nothing better than getting paid for doing nothing!

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  27. I thank a lot to that "toilet"
    I find how you hate your job . At least mine is enjoyable .
    I dont feel like my soul is dying inside when i go to work

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  28. Very funny, i enjoyed it reading! can't wait for more

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  29. 7 and half hours isnt that bad, what do u do as a job?

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  30. "HARDCORE mode: Shave your head and tell 'em that you have terminal cancer. That should keep them off your back for a while. Try to look sick but positive: don't make them think you're going to drug rehab.

    BONUS: Don't forget these: taking your baby to doctor, taking your dog/cat/pig/monkey to a vet"

    ahahah still LOLing

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  31. xD very funny post dude! liked the stuff you have here :)

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