February 25, 2011

Looking for job? Read this first

I know that many of you readers are vigoriously looking for jobs, regardless of my wise words. Here are some tips that should make it easier for you. I don't know how well these work outside Finland or other than IT sector but so far I've gotten job from EVERY interview.

- Don't overdress or underdress. This means that you should take a shower and shave. If you're applying to be a consultant, wear your most expensive dress. If you actually WANT to be a consultant, kill yourself. Do it, faggot.

- Interviews are usually very similar to each other. There are two interviewers and one of them is either HR person or the some middle management asshole. The other one is usually someone they call "expert" - in IT sector this is the nerdiest guy in the office. He/she doesn't usually speak but most of the time he decides if your compatible for the job. Don't ignore him/her.

- If you're asked about specific technique, skill, etc., NEVER say that you don't know it or you don't know how to use it. You have to improvise here! You can say that you studied it in school 5 years ago and can't remember a lot, but with some practice you'll manage to regain your skills. This is like skating on thin ice - don't go too far or you get caught for lying. Lying itself is not bad but don't get caught. Before you go to interview use check out what they are looking for: if they need you to use JQuery and you hear the word for the first time, check out jquery.com or Wikipedia for article on it. Learn the basics.

- Lie. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with lying. Everybody does it (at least those who get jobs) at interviews. If they ask where you want to be in 5 years (nobody can really answer this question, right?), say that you want to be the middle management or climbing up the career ladder. They want you to be their bitch, just go with it. You can suddenly change your mind once they've hired you.

- Sometimes there are also psychological tests during the interview. Walk the middle road here. You should be OK unless you smoke pot or take LSD daily.

- Also remember the basic stuff you read from every magazine that promotes employment: Smile, look in the eyes, talk loud enough (don't yell!), etc. This is very important especially in IT sector where people are usually not that talkative and charming.

- If they give you some assignments to do, you could be fucked. Just do what you can and try to do it properly. If you have no clue, just tell them that you're too excited or suffer of lockdown syndrome.

- If you get to the second round of interviews, congratulations. You're probably going to get the job if you don't fuck up badly. For me, these interviews were only for talking about salary, working times, benefits, etc. Again, this might be different for outside IT sector or for really big companies who have many, many rounds of interviews (Google for example). They probably make you wait for a day or two before they call you to congratulate on your new job.

Ok so, if you get job, you can send 15% of your salary to my bank account. Send me email for the account #. Once you've done this, please leave a comment.

Looking for a job? Grow big breasts.
... or disregard all my previous tips and just be a large breasted woman.


36 comments:

  1. I dunno, I've always thought interviews were pretty much bullshit, and you're more likely to get hired if you like the same sports team than if you can do the job...

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  2. I came here for the tits, Im gonna be honest.

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  3. It's the same in ALL interviews. Judge who you are being interviewed by, then base your answers and attitude off of them. It really helps to be able to read people!

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  4. I think you should always dress a level above whatever the dress code at the place you're applying at operates at

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  5. Although I read everything, I choose to disregard all of that, and look upon those large breastses.

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  6. It's also very useful if you have a friend/relative inside the company.

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  7. Woah, really helpful for me who's unemployed...

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  8. very useful guide about a picture with tits on it

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  9. thanks for this info, but i like the image too haha

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  10. You REALLY have to nail that interview. That, to me, is the most important part...a good interview.

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  11. I think if I walked in as a large breasted woman I would be show the door... drag doesn't suit me

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  12. Haha some of the funniest interview tips i have read. Good work sir

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  13. "You should be OK unless you smoke pot or take LSD daily."

    LOL your posts are always funny! keep it up :)

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  14. I think I'll become a large breasted woman instead

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  15. good tips, if you follow them and you're also a big breasted woman the job is yours forever

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  16. Sounds real :)
    And why so humble? Of course at least 50% :P

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  17. Thanks for the tips. I'm looking for job right now so I'll use this. Lol at the pic.

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  18. >If you actually WANT to be a consultant, kill yourself. Do it, faggot.

    haha don't worry bro, I'm doing it for the money.

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  19. This is a good post. I know my friend just got a full-time offer. And the picture, yes. Thank you for sharing!

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  20. I knew my lsd habits would catch up with me

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  21. I read the whole article thinking "hey he's got some good points here, I'll have to remember them".. then I got to the image and forgot what the whole post was about! :))

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  22. This also depends on if the company already knows who they are going to hire. I have been short changed a few times where my interview was just a formality and they already had someone in mind (usually a friend they promised it to). It's all about who you know in America sadly.

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  23. very useful knowledge. thank you for this tips. they'll be useful in the future! :)

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  24. fortunately, i am a large breasted woman.

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  25. Yup, Interviews are very psychological processes, you really need to know how to read the others body language and their tone of voice.

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  26. I think the "big breasted" suggestion is probably the safest way to guarantee interviewing success.

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  27. The picture is speaking itself, lost job from such a girl...

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  28. I had the unfortunate experience of having a job interview in the middle of one of their meetings... So instead of there being two people, there were about 10.

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  29. Some of these tips are very good advice. Thanks.

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  30. The worst is when the guy who is supposed to interview you is busy, then some dumbass does the interview for him and has nothing to say... doesn't know what he's doing and then soon shows you the door out of awkwardness/embarassment.

    Of course after something like that, you don't hear back from them.

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