500 ways to make money FAST! part deux

This guy read my last tips and look at him now.

Start an escort service - Okay, so basically this means that you start whoring yourself/your girlfriend/your buddies. But you gotta do it the classy way - don't put ads on Craigslist and write how you "have sex for money". You have to advertise it as "girlfriend/boyfriend eexperience" where you actually spend time with your fat, ugly clients so that they can be seen with beautiful people such as you. You can ask crazy money from this, something like 100 bucks an hour. You have to be decent looking, of course.

Make your own porn - Amateur porn sells SO good. Just make a film with your boyfriend/girlfriend/friend and sell it to some amateur porn site (there are thousands of these). If you feel VERY productive you can make more stuff and create your own site. There's a lot of money in this, believe me.

Start a "quick loan" company - In Finland we have these companies which offer high interest "quick loans" for poor people (young alcoholics, drug addicts, etc.). All they have to do is send an SMS message and they get the money. These were the most profitable companies last year, so this should be good business. If your country doesn't have this kind of services, you should be the one to start the first one - you'll be filthy rich.

Start collecting debt - This is continuation to the last tip. Get to know some Russian/other Eastern European people, they are very good at collecting debt. These companies were also very profitable last year, probably because of these quick loans and recession.

Make children's music - I don't know any unsuccesful bands for kids. Kids are stupid and they listen to almost anything, just sing about dinosaurs, pokemons or some shit like that. You can also meet some hot single moms.

Don't forget to check the first part: 500 ways to make money FAST!

Good weekend everyone!

It's saturday so I don't want to write about work. Now here's what we do: write a comment about what you want read in this blog on monday. It should be work-related. Or I can also continue my 500 ways to make money FAST! series and give you free tips how to get filthy rich quick. So, please comment and have a good weekend.

"FUCK YOU, it's weekend!"

Looking for job? Read this first

I know that many of you readers are vigoriously looking for jobs, regardless of my wise words. Here are some tips that should make it easier for you. I don't know how well these work outside Finland or other than IT sector but so far I've gotten job from EVERY interview.

- Don't overdress or underdress. This means that you should take a shower and shave. If you're applying to be a consultant, wear your most expensive dress. If you actually WANT to be a consultant, kill yourself. Do it, faggot.

- Interviews are usually very similar to each other. There are two interviewers and one of them is either HR person or the some middle management asshole. The other one is usually someone they call "expert" - in IT sector this is the nerdiest guy in the office. He/she doesn't usually speak but most of the time he decides if your compatible for the job. Don't ignore him/her.

- If you're asked about specific technique, skill, etc., NEVER say that you don't know it or you don't know how to use it. You have to improvise here! You can say that you studied it in school 5 years ago and can't remember a lot, but with some practice you'll manage to regain your skills. This is like skating on thin ice - don't go too far or you get caught for lying. Lying itself is not bad but don't get caught. Before you go to interview use check out what they are looking for: if they need you to use JQuery and you hear the word for the first time, check out jquery.com or Wikipedia for article on it. Learn the basics.

- Lie. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with lying. Everybody does it (at least those who get jobs) at interviews. If they ask where you want to be in 5 years (nobody can really answer this question, right?), say that you want to be the middle management or climbing up the career ladder. They want you to be their bitch, just go with it. You can suddenly change your mind once they've hired you.

- Sometimes there are also psychological tests during the interview. Walk the middle road here. You should be OK unless you smoke pot or take LSD daily.

- Also remember the basic stuff you read from every magazine that promotes employment: Smile, look in the eyes, talk loud enough (don't yell!), etc. This is very important especially in IT sector where people are usually not that talkative and charming.

- If they give you some assignments to do, you could be fucked. Just do what you can and try to do it properly. If you have no clue, just tell them that you're too excited or suffer of lockdown syndrome.

- If you get to the second round of interviews, congratulations. You're probably going to get the job if you don't fuck up badly. For me, these interviews were only for talking about salary, working times, benefits, etc. Again, this might be different for outside IT sector or for really big companies who have many, many rounds of interviews (Google for example). They probably make you wait for a day or two before they call you to congratulate on your new job.

Ok so, if you get job, you can send 15% of your salary to my bank account. Send me email for the account #. Once you've done this, please leave a comment.

... or disregard all my previous tips and just be a large breasted woman.

Interns - The nigger of the world

NOTE! Before you call me racist or anything like that, please read this Wikipedia article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woman_Is_the_Nigger_of_the_World It implies to slavery.

Interns at work place are a fucking great resource. In Finland companies usually hire interns for the summer, but many schools also have some sort of mandatory internship periods. And why are they so great? Well, let's take a developer for example: they come fresh from the school bench, they know how to code and if you get lucky he'll be better at writing code than the guys (engineers) that have been doing same stuff for years. And they're FUCKING FREE! Why they are treated so badly then?

Welcome to Fuck You Co., Mr Slav...Smith

Usually interns get either too challenging ("Design and implement this complete CMS system and if you have spare time implement SAP to it also") or too easy ("organize the shelves and collect trash from the yard") tasks. Those quotes in parenthesis are my ACTUAL tasks working as an intern, two different places. I didn't do any of that shit but that's a whole different story.

Nobody wants to talk to interns, since he/she won't be staying for long anyway. Usually they don't get paid so they'll eat some microwave pizza alone in the backroom while others go out to eat. Co-workers often give interns tasks that interrupt their work, and they are in general considered as slaves of the workplace. In best/worst scenario the companies can benefit 50 000 euros (this is just an estimate) from the interns work and he/she gets paid nothing. When the intern asks for possible payment, middle management talks about "mental capital" (actual quote from real life).

I don't if it's just me but I have no single good experience about being intern. I can say for sure, that I didn't personally benefit from these experiences and never really got anything out of these internships. The fact that I'm a lazy SOB might have something to do with it but hey, what do you expect when you're being worked for free? Yet, I enjoyed watching interns at my last jobs, designing and implementing systems that are usually done by experts. They are very valuable "mental capital".

Got any GOOD internship experiences? Share them in comments.

Office gossip

Every office has its gossip. Yes, even the place where you work. If you're not aware of that, you are probably one of the topics they are talking about. I'm sure that most of you already consider me a chauvinist, so I really don't have to be careful what I say about women. Women gossip, a lot. My ex workmate spoke wise words: if you want to keep the gossiping at minimum, hire a one woman (althought this maximizes the caveman effect, check out my last post). Women don't usually gossip with men and only place left for her to gossip at is the Internet. Once you add another female to the equation, you're deep in the gossip shit. It'll take few days once legends and stories start to evolve. But here's a strange thing: if you add a third female, they start having some kind of power struggle and the  Weakest one will be the target of gossiping.

Did you hear that the blogger has a HUGE di...

Usually this is done at coffee break, lunch or at the smoking area/room. Men do these things differently: they gather all their anger and hatred to a big lump and hide it inside them for months and months to come. Then, at the spring picnic they get drunk and EXPLODE. They might yell at their bosses, grope female (or male) co-workers or even attack someone physically. This happens especially here in Finland where people don't know the ways of small talk and usually drink WAY too much.

Want to start gossiping? Here are some good topics for ya to get started:

- How fucking idiot your boss is
- How fucking huge (gossiped by women)/juicy (gossiped by men) his secretary's ass is
- Co-workers personal problems (depression is a good one, if someone is depressed, hit them while they're in the ground!)
- Someone's getting fatter/thinner

Oh, there are those who don't gossip. They're called Aspies or interns. Since I know nothing about Aspies (I'm not a mathematician or phycisist), tomorrow I'll be writing about interns. Have your say at gossip in the comments section.

Women of the work place and caveman genes

Me want ugly chick. Ugh.

If you have worked in an office environment, you must you know this phenomenon - a beautiful woman arrives in men are divided into two groups: quiet nerdy types and chest pounding alpha-males. If you work at the IT, she doesn't even have to be hot. Some kind of boobs and hitch-pitched voice is enough. These rat racing engineers then do what they do worst - flirt.

Women usually take advantage of the situation and when they notice that they're treated like royalty they claim the queen's title and role in the process. In the process they get free meals, coffee warmed up, free carpools, free drinks on friday, etc. This list is as long as the queen's imagination.

However, this is a win-win situation. These engineer-types also get something out of it. It's kind of a symbiosis, an office organism. They usually have a nagging wife and two kids waiting at home and they were good looking maybe 15 years ago. Now they can be in the spotlight again and they can feel young, energetic and charming once more. Once they get back home harsh reality hits them in the face. Kids are screaming, dog is sick, wife is nagging (usually about money) and bills are piling up.

These are the kind of people who like to work late.

500 ways to make money FAST!

If I were to write a book about getting rich quickly and easily my number one tip would definently be: Write a book about getting rich quick and easily. These self-help and moneymaking books are often on top of the Amazon's bestseller lists and obviously if you write one good book, you're good for the rest of your life (moneywise). But because I'm lazy and not a very good writer, I'll skip the book publishing and just give you some tips for free. These are good ways to get some MONEY:

Be a celeb - Start hanging out in places where celebs hang out (expensive nightclubs, rehab centers, etc.) and try to be seen with someone famous. If you live in the States, I recommend Charlie Sheen (through your crack dealer) or Justin Bieber (I bet he doesn't have a single heterosexual, male friend). Tabloids pay huge sums of money for gossip, etc. about these people. Besides, if you are a celebrity, bars, restaurants, etc. usually give you shit for free.

In Finland we have this "girl" named Johanna Tukiainen. She was sendind x-rated SMS to a top end politician (Minister of Foreign Relations) and she leaked it to the press. After that, she's been the most famous person in Finland and her wedding this month is very popular topic in coffee table. She's fucking hideous (check the picture below) and has no charisma, still she's trying to be a singer and dancer. Probably making good money from the tabloids.

J. Tukiainen - looking hot hot hot

So, good things about being/trying to be celeb:

- Easy money fast. J. Tukiainen got 10 000 euros (~13500 dollars) from tabloid for publishing those SMS's. I could live on that for 6 months, easily.
- If you have your "own" reporter that writes about you exclusively, just phone him and you can think of something crazy to do while you get pissed at local bar. In Finland we used to have this dynamic duo M. Nykänen (ex skijumper) and K. Merilä (journalist). Merilä took Nykänen to exotic places (Canary isles, etc.)
and bought him a lot of booze and Nykänen did stupid stuff. It was kind of a symbiosis and both got what they wanted: Nykänen got his booze and Merilä his story. I don't know if you have this sort of thing in the US tho, probably?

Bad things about being/trying to be celeb:

- Everybody laughs at you and think you're stupid (which you probably are). So don't do it if you bad self esteem
- You have to come up with new stuff ALL THE TIME. For example cosmetic surgery, getting into fights or sexual relations with other celebs.
- You have to hang out with idiots.

Create an international website - Good ideas done well usually make huge amounts of money. Both Youtube and Facebook were student projects. Think of a service that you would gladly use and is not yet found in the web. Even some (fashion)bloggers make crazy cash with minimum work. Expect to be poor for a fucking long time before your site starts making money, tho.

Good things:

- Low risk. Creating content is usually cheap, if not free, and the only effort you have to put into it is your own time.

Bad things:

- These sites require a lot of expertise and skill.
- Getting the readers, publicity, etc. can be tough.
- Self-sufficiency might take a looooong time. It may not happen ever.

Marry into money - This is easy for hot girls/women.

Good things:

- Money for the rest of your life

Bad things:

- Can't think of any.


Got better ideas? Write them in comments. If you want me to write about some specific stuff, also write a comment. Thanks for reading!

Make yourself irreplaceable

Finnish newspaper Kauppalehti writes that there are few ways to keep your job: 1) Learn things that other people don't want or don't know how to do. 2) Keep good relations to your boss and co-workers. 3) Ask if you're uncertain about new things.

These are good tips, but they're really not for me. Since I try to slack off and rather do something else (redtube for example) I've thought of few things that make me irreplaceable without actually doing a lot of work. Here they are:

Use old/strange techniques - If you're a coder, use Cobol or Assembler. No one will want to watch your code.

Jargon - If you write a lot, use difficult words, old latin, french, etc. and don't write text that is easily readable.

Documentation - Don't document any of the things you do and don't make any instructions.

Teaching - Don't do it. If you have no choice but to present your ideas/projects/etc. to your boss or co-workers, use Powerpoint. Make a presentation that has lot of pie charts, nice pictures and maybe even animations. Bosses love animations.

SPECIAL tip for developers: Use kludges everywhere. Even when you're coding the simplest thing with Javascript, make a moronic kludge that others will not understand.

Most of these work in the IT department, but not really if you're a cashier or a janitor. Do you have any good ideas to share about making yourself irreplaceable? Share them in comments.

Sitting on the shitter - Precious little moments

Working day in Finland is 7 and half hours. That makes 450 long, painful minutes and sometimes when it's REALLY boring, I count the time in seconds. At it's worst, working day is 27000 painful moments, each one more boring than the previous one. After many working years I have developed methods for making these moments shorter. Here are few of them:

Going to the toilet - You can have about dozen of these in a workday without anyone getting suspicious. Each one can last for 5 to 15 minutes and sometimes you can take an hour or even two out your day (on Fridays it's usually longer). It's even better, if you know that someone is waiting for their turn. If there aren't any magazines to read, use your cell phone / smartphone for spending time: install games, read feeds, listen to podcasts... If you don't have a phone, read what ingredients are in handsoap or make snowflakes out of toilet paper.

HARDCORE mode: take your laptop with you.

Lunch break - This should be a nonbrainer: Make your lunch hours long, but don't do this too often. You don't want your boss to get suspicious. In Finland lunch hour is usually 30 minutes, so just go for 40-45 minute lunch breaks everyday and once or twice a week you can extend it to a full hour. If your co-workers go out to eat, join them. These trips usually last at least an hour, sometimes lot more (especially on Friday).

Hospital visits - This probably works only if you live in Scandinavia/some other European countries with free health care or have somekind of health plan from the company. You can do hospital visits 1-3 times a month. Same rule applies here: don't do it too often or people get suspicious. Some good diseases are: Crohn's disease (nobody wants to hear the details), back pain (just say that you got it at sitting on your desk, they don't want to be blamed) or some exotic diarrhea bacteria (here you get a bonus: no one will come close to you). Don't EVER say that you're going there because of depression or sleeping problems - this WILL make them suspicious and will probably effect you at next cutoffs.

HARDCORE mode: Shave your head and tell 'em that you have terminal cancer. That should keep them off your back for a while. Try to look sick but positive: don't make them think you're going to drug rehab.

BONUS: Don't forget these: taking your baby to doctor, taking your dog/cat/pig/monkey to a vet

Sick days - You can have 1-3 of these in a month without anyone getting suspicious. Just say that you've been vomiting all night or that you have terrible diarrhea. Call your boss right after 7am (we go to work at 8am here) and he'll think that you actually tried to get to work. After this you naturally go back to sleep. After a night of heavy drinking and partying your voice is usually hoarse, so it gives you even more credibility. Therefore, drink during the week and stay at home when hungover.

What are your slacking tips at work? What do you think of my English so far? Is it readable? Does the sun orbit earth or vice verca? Just click the comment button below!

 

The blogger has spend a looot of time on this bad boy.

I hate my job (now also in English!)

So, I was at this international conference last week and there were some Finnish guys who were read my blog when I was still working at my old job (which I hated). They also did some translations of my blog entries to co-workers from other countries and I got a request to writing in English. At the moment I'm out of ideas, since I love my job, but I am willing to translate some of my old blog entries to English. So, here goes my first entry from 2009:

I hate my job.

I really don't get any satisfaction out of it. The most horrible day of the week is monday and during weekdays the most boring and repulsive time of the day is from 8 to 16 (working hours in Finland). Regardless, I've been working in the IT department for 4 years now, for three different employers. All of the work places had same phenomenons: trendy work slang, coffee chats of idiots, bad radio stations, surfing on tabloid websites... the list is endless.

I started working after I graduated from Polytechnic school with good grades. I was excited, and for a reason: I got my first permanent job straight after graduating! Quick orientation, new things I couldn't remember the next day, names I couldn't memorize and MANY phenomenons that I mentioned earlier.

Nonethless, I tried to keep positive attitude and I really wanted to be efficient, hardworking and ultimately a good worker. I wanted for the company to make profit, I was interested in all the business figures, sales, new projects, pie charts etc.

But in the end, the awful truth dawned on me... Work sucked. Work days seemed like they lasted forever and end of the week was like a winning on a lottery.

In this blog I will tell my experiences in work life. These writings are mostly from 2007-2009 but there's also recent stuff.

Hope you enjoy it!

Projects

Today I'm going to talk about projects. Ok, so nowadays in the IT all the work is gathered under projects. What this means, then? It means that when you're working on a certain project, you can't do anything else. All the work you do has to be on the fucking project. How retarded is that? Let's take a scenario where I'm a Java coder and they assign me on a project as Scrum master. Now, this other project needs some coding expertise which I'd be able to offer, IF they'd allow me to participate on that project. Well, do they? FUCK THAT, WE NEED YOU ON THIS EVEN THOUGHT YOU'RE NOT REALLY DOING ANYTHING (real life scenario, this really happened).

So, as Scrum Master I ain't doing anything since all the administration stuff is done for that day. I also cannot participate in a coding project and therefore do nothing. Is this good for the company? You tell me.

This is me, not giving a damn.

5 ways to quit & do what you love

Since my international fanbase has grown a bit and I've had some requests about writing in English, here it goes: my first English blog post!

5 ways to quit & do what you love!

#1

Way to quit: Smack your boss in the face

Way to do what you love: Move to your dream location.

#2

Way to quit: Strip down to your skivvies and start dancing to “Thriller” in a human resources meeting about sexual harrasment in the workplace.

Way to do what you love: Make an activity your livelihood.

#3

Way to quit: Stage your own death (by bagel knife) in the coffee room using ketchup as a prop, be sure to stumble out the front door and leave a “bloody” trail of ketchup from your office to the nearest large body of water so they’ll never “find the body”. Note: you may need several bottles of ketchup and a bus ticket if you are not immediately near water

Way to do what you love: Use a God given gift.

#4

Way to quit. Use the highest paid executive in your firm’s fax machine to send pieces of toast to the Boston office, if it’s doesn’t work the first time – add jelly.

Way to do what you love. Review it.

#5

Way to quit: In an effort to save on rent, move into your office cubicle and shower in water fountain using your latest memos as wash cloths.

Way to do what you love: Solve other people’s problem.

Computer rage!

Kannattaisko opetella käyttämään niitä tietokoneita, idiootit?